coming back to school for second semester was a whole lot easier then the first time. i tried a new trick. i'm always telling my friend to DIVA DOWN so i told myself to BITCH DOWN. it's working. my roommate and i are getting along and i'm going to sleep happy. i see God working in his amazing as usual ways in my heart and life right now so vibrantly. many thanksgivings. it's incredible. this is so important to me when i've been having so many days where ive felt like i dont belong here. christmas break cured me of homesickness. the only reason i might not stay here next year is for financial reasons. i'm applying to be an RA and student mentor to incoming freshman for next year.

something a speaker talked about at convocation has come up so many times this year already. he said something along the lines of you dont have to agree or like the people in your surroundings and swear them off because you dont think you would be compatible friends. you have to step outside of your comfort zone and have many different friends. once i started taking this to heart this month i've come to realize it's completely true. if you have such a screening process you're going to end up with noone because your screening process doesnt take into accounts bad first impressions or other circumstances. living by this had made me see all the errors i made in high school and why i lost the friends that i have. it also has made me realize that i need to live by that before i make myself miserable at school.

 

ive been thinking a lot about my career also. right now i'm doing law to please my mother. i need to start thinking about what pleases me. 

ive also been thinking about staying in contact with my family more. i have the time for it. i cant make that excuse. 

right now ive also decided to stop interfering in my sisters life and i'm going to let her fall and scrape her knees. 

Last night we almost lost a member of the lil' family.

Friend brought her boyfriend into my work, got aggravated, when they left I texted friend why she came to visit. Let her have everything, we agreed to meet when I got out of work. Called the rest of lil' family as backup. Good thing I did. When we got to friend's house, friend's boyfriend was waiting along with boyfriend's friend who I thought was my friend until she posted tweets and statuses about me being a goody-two shoes ass, being overly offended by friend's boyfriend's prescense, and being a hippocrit for preaching tolerance but not accepting friend's boyfriend. Couldn't believe it, always lived by if you have a problem with someone you confront them to their face, otherwise it's behind the back. This was the first time I've ever had a friend do that. Guess she isn't a real friend right? Learned that last night. Explains why she's friends with friend's boyfriend.

Onward.

Lil' family got to friend's house. Lil' family asked friend's boyfriend and boyfriend's friend to vacate. They did. Lil' family enters friend's home.

Main points:

1. Friend has changed into someone who is doing things they normally wouldn't do.
2. Friend chooses boyfriend to hang out with over lil' family.
3. When lil' family got in a fight with friend's boyfriend, friend should have stirred the pot and been more loyal and said something, it was friend's house.
4. Friend only makes an effort to see friend's boyfriend, and a group friend.
5. Friend stopped inviting lil' family to outings because friend knew lil' family doesn't get along with friend's new friends.
6. Friend snapped and called memember of lil' family negative bitch and left things like that for months.
7. Friend can't handle lil' family saying negative things about friend's boyfriend.
8. Lil' family told friend she can hang out with lil' family and friend:s boyfriend seperatly, but lil' family will not be there when friend's boyfriend is there which got us kicked out of the house.


Friend ended up texting me and asking me to listen to what friend's boyfriend has to say. The only reason he wants to say something now is because it's effecting his girlfriend. He's too prideful that he wouldn't apologize before because he doesn't care about anyone but the girl he's sleeping with.

I am so incredibly angry that the most emotion friend showed the whole night after lil' family poured their hearts out about they feel neglected by friend, she showed when I called her boyfriend a shitty person.

I am also incredibly angry at friend because if you're really my friend you're not going to continue to ask me to hang out with someone I don't want to when their prescense alternates between directly and indirectly offensive.

She says he treats her like gold. That's wonderful but if you can't treat her friends with at least respect...why does that even matter.

Hello Old Friend,

Haven't blogged since high school. I wish I could say college has made me a wiser, more intellectual, more articulate, and more insightful person but, it hasn't. I'm still trying to figure out what God's plan for me is.

Lately I've been been thinking a lot about love and a lot about death. In the past month I've come as close to death as I've ever been. A high school friend committed suicide. His voice is always in my head. It's difficult to say you don't partly feel responsible, you always think what if I had made more of an effort to be better friends with this person. I guess it's especially difficult because of the prescence of death I felt when I tried to kneel at his casket and pay my respects. I was in hysterics. I couldn't get over how still and energy lacking the area was. I literally felt like I was kneeling infront of death. I saw his brothers today at the convience store, they were smiling and picking out a movie to watch from redbox. It seems like everywhere I go I see traces of him. I knew the kid as a classmate, a mutual friend, someone who I shared a study with, someone who dated two of my friends, it may seem harsh to say it but that was all I knew him as. This is why I can't figure out why it knocked me off my feet to the extent it did. Maybe it's the circumstances, maybe the timing, maybe because he was the best of the bunch-literally; he won the award in school. I met his parents at the wake. Like his brothers today they were composed. It broke my heart to have to introduce myself under such tragic circumstances. I had so much I wanted to say to his parents. Too bad it came out barely audible behind the tears. Suicide is a strange occurance. I think it effects us so deeply because it's not apart of God's plan. As a Christian I pray that his soul is in heaven right now and that Jesus greeted him with the biggest hug in the world. But, as a Christian you have to worry because suicide is a sin. It torrments me thinking someone so kind might not be with God. It's been a struggle and a huge bump in my walk with Jesus but I know I gotta just believe in Jeff.

Death doesn't scare me, but suicide does.